they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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