1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
