So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
