isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
