I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
