the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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