Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
