...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
