Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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