you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
And then he peed in my hair
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