i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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