happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
