I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
