What a fucking waste of an outfit
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
