you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
