if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
