you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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