Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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