Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
