hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
