There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Randomize
