Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
