i'm signing you up for texting rehab
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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