Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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