I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
