Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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