i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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