what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
