it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
