I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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