You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
