You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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