i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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