no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I love having hate sex.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
