Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
