I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
