I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
