shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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