Yo dont text me then not text me
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
