There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
