i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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