he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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