I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
