i think my mom watched the whole time
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
my shit smells like andre
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I have feelings that need drinking.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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