i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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