The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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