I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
