Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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