I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
