Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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